This interview with Dame Mary was for The Definite Article column in the Daily Mail’s Weekend magazine. It was conducted over the phone in November 2012 and was published on 15th December.

The prized possession you value above all others…My home in Surrey. It was left to my late husband Alexander [and business partner Alexander Plunket Greene who died in 1990] by his great aunt, who designed it and had it built in 1928. We moved here not long after we got married in 1957. It’s a beautiful house that is full of wonderful memories and remains my sanctuary. This is where I am happiest.

The unqualified regret you wish you could amend…I have always loved painting and drawing, especially still life and flowers. There’s a part of me that wishes I had developed that side of my talent more and exhibited, but work was always so frenetic. Also, I am such a private person that I recoiled at the thought of showing my art, as it is quite revealing of myself.

The way you would spend your fantasy 24 hours, with no travel restrictions…I would have breakfast in the garden at home with my partner Anthony Rouse, then we would be transported to the Pembrokeshire coast in south west Wales for a bracing swim. The water is so wild and wonderful there. I love swimming and don’t mind if it’s freezing cold because that makes you feel so alive. We would then go to Lake Como, Italy, for a superb al fresco lunch at Il Pomodorino with my son Orlando and his wife and my three grand children – Lucas, 10, Allegra, eight, and Massimo, seven. I’d have risotto and some chilled white wine, then we would all walk, swim and relax in the afternoon by the lake. I would end the day staying at La Colombe d’Or hotel in Saint-Paul-de-Vence, in the South France.  

The temptation you wish you could resist…Wine, especially Pouilly Fume. I have always enjoyed not resisting temptation. Isn’t it the fun part of living? But I am 78 now and you have to be careful, so I try to resist drinking too much.  

The book that holds an everlasting resonance…The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling touched me deeply when I was a child. I am a great animal lover and this story reminds you of the potent effect animals have on our lives. 

The priority activity if you were the Invisible Woman for a day…It is not in my nature to want to spy on people. I can tell everything I need to know about a person from just looking at what they are wearing, or how they have done their make up. Why snoop around? 

The pet-hate that makes your hackles rise…That funerals have to be big happy celebrations! There seems a need these days for everything to be jolly, but whatever happened to sadness? If you are being true to your feelings, I don’t think there is anything wrong with a bit of wailing.

The film you can watch time and time again…Gone With The Wind. I have lost track of how many times I have seen it, but I still can’t resist dipping in again whenever it is on television. I love its grand scope and it’s kind of sexy, but in a romantic way. I always love Rhett Butler [Clark Gable] saying “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn’.  I will never tire of that scene.

The person who has influenced you most…Alexander. I met him when I was a teenager at Goldsmiths art school and he had the most incredible influence on my life and career. He was tremendously outgoing and confident and had amazing ideas. He was like dynamite. He encouraged my designs and launched the business. Without his drive and fearlessness I honestly don’t think I would have achieved half the things I did. He was a wonderful man. 

The figure from history for whom you’d most like to buy a pie and a pint…The Italian designer Elsa Schiaparelli. She was daring and brilliant and one of the truly great designers on the 20th century. I got to know her a little towards the end of her life in the late 60s and early 70s, but I’d love to go back in time to see how she was inspired when she was at her peak in the 1920s and 30s.

The piece of wisdom you would pass on to a child…Smile. It is so easy to do, yet so easy to forget. Smiling brings warmth and love into your life.  

The unlikely interest that engages your curiosity…I absolutely adore cows. They are the most fascinating, gentle and beautiful animals. Their eyes are so amazing. I have ten that live in the land around my house and they are adopted by us. I love to talk to them. There are few things better than falling asleep in a field and being woken up by an inquisitive cow. 

The treasured item you lost and wish you could have again…My wedding ring. It was a chunky gold circle handmade for me by the jewellery designer Gerda Flockinger. It was always a bit loose and three years ago it fell off in a car park outside The Volunteer pub near Dorking. It was nighttime and I couldn’t find it. I went back the next day, but it was gone and I was heartbroken. If anyone can return it to me I will be forever grateful…

The unending quest that drives you on…Curiosity. I like to keep my mind active and up to date with the latest fashions and make up. I hope to never lose that sense of needing to know.

The poem that touches your soul…I love poetry and I have written quite a lot, but the Lord’s Prayer is the most perfect piece of poetry and surpasses all poems. I always feel at peace and moved when I recite it. I love nothing better than sitting in a quiet church on my own, just thinking. 

The misapprehension about yourself you wish you could erase…That I am a confident extrovert. Even now people associate me with those glamorous photos from the 60s, but I am actually incredibly shy. Somehow I become a completely different person when I need to give a talk in public and can do it no problem. It is a strange contradiction because that is not me at all.

The event that altered the course of your life and character…Visiting Japan in the early 70s had the most incredible influence on me because its culture is so different. It changed the way I designed and my entire perspective on life. I found the women particularly fascinating. I virtually commuted to that country for many years and it took my career onto an even bigger world stage. I also discovered sushi, which I love to this day!   

The crime you would commit knowing you could get away with it…I would find an ingenious way to embezzle one of the big bad banks and distribute the money to family and friends – keeping a healthy slice of it for myself! 

The song that means most to you…Bring Me Sunshine by Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise. Alexander used to sing it to me whenever things were going wrong and it always cheered me up. It is so funny and silly that it helps you get everything into perspective and be happy.  

The happiest moment you will cherish forever…Getting my OBE in 1966. I had never imagined I would be getting an award from the Queen. It was such a huge honour and I distinctly remember going to the Palace. As the Queen pinned it on me, she said simply, “More exports please!” It was typical of her to get right to the point.    

The saddest time that shook your world…Alexander’s death. He was only 57 and it was ghastly losing him. He was such an exuberant, wonderful man and I still miss him. Andrew was also a great friend of his and misses him, too.  

The unfulfilled ambition that continues to haunt you…I long for my garden to be complete. Working in it is one of my joys and I spend a fortune on planting and keeping it looking special. Obviously, it will never be finished because it is forever changing with the seasons.

The philosophy that underpins your life…Find time to stop and really appreciate your life. Ensure you enjoy it!  

The order of service at your funeral…I don’t like to think about dying because I am still having so much fun. I went to Vidal Sassoon’s funeral at St Paul’s Cathedral in October and it was the best funeral I have ever been to. The music and the readings were just perfect, faultless. His family did the most amazing job, so I will leave the decisions to my family. But I will be happy with a small, private funeral at a church that is dear to me near my home. I would also like my ashes scattered in my garden.

The way you want to be remembered…As the girl who made clothes and make up that brought a touch of fun and colour into people’s lives.    

Barbara Mary Quant was born on 11th April 1930 in Woolwich, London. She died at home in Surry aged 93 on 13th April 2023. RIP.

Copyright: Rob McGibbon

This interview with Paul was for The Definite Article column in the Daily Mail’s Weekend magazine. It was conducted over the phone on 6th November 2017 and was published on 2nd December.

The prized possession you value above all others…My five dogs – Olga, Bullseye, Eddie, Boycie and Conchita. They’re all rescue dogs, each with very different personalities. They follow me around everywhere at home and are really comical. They make me laugh and I love their company. If there was a fire, they’d definitely be the first things I’d save. I’m about to get another one from Battersea Dogs Home – a pregnant mongrel, who was found abandoned on Hampstead Heath. I’m going to give her a happy ending.

The biggest regret you wish you could amend…Messing around and not having a game plan for my life when I was a teenager. I lost valuable years of education and had no real goal or anything to aim for. I finally found a job I loved in Social Services when I was 22, but up until then I was a bit of a drifter, which was such a waste.

The temptation you wish you could resist…Staying up too late. I will read a good book, or start writing, and suddenly I find I’m still going at 3am or 4am. At other times I will stay up watching rubbish television, which by the early hours is always really horrible and violent programmes about serial killers or post mortems. Staying up late makes me feel like death the next day.

The book that holds an everlasting resonance…The Complete Essays of Michel de Montaigne, the 16th century French philosopher. They are full of little nuggets of wisdom that make you think about life. I keep a copy nearby, ready to dip into, and I always feel better for reading it.

The priority activity if you were the Invisible Man for a day…I would go to various friends’ houses and cause chaos by pretending to be a poltergeist. I’d smash a few things and do some levitation, but I’d be much scarier around the people I’m not so keen on.

The pet hate that makes your hackles rise…No.1 is always any cruelty to animals, but I also hate ticket machines at railways stations. They give you about 30 different options for a ticket when all I want is a single or a return. You need to do a bloomin’ course to know how to operate them.  They are hell and I end up in a blind fury.

The film you can watch time and time again…Wild Strawberries from 1957 directed by Ingmar Bergman. It’s about an old man recalling his past as he makes his last journey. It is beautifully shot, superbly acted and very moving. I see something different in it each time. I generally watch it in January, when things are flat after Christmas, because it really suits the mood. 

The person who has influenced you most…My whole family unit – my mum and dad, my uncles and aunties. They were all such great characters and so full of humour. They had a one-liner for everything and were always giving me good bits of advice. Having such a warm childhood surrounded by so many colourful people gave me a great grounding for life. 

The figure from history for whom you’d most like to buy a pie and a pint…Rosa Lewis, who was the most famous chef in Europe in the 19th century. She was an eccentric and a formidable character. I’d go to her Cavendish Hotel in London to eat one of her feasts and talk about her life, but she was a real snob, so I’d probably be far too common for her.  

The piece of wisdom you would pass on to a child…Try not to worry, it will all turn out well in the end. I’d encourage them to enjoy their childhood and not waste time worrying. Kids are under too much pressure these days, especially from social media.  

The unlikely interest that engages your curiosity…Herbology. I’ve been making my own potions since my 30s and love it. I’m pretty good and can mix infusions that cure all kinds of ailments or illnesses. I’m completely fascinated by it and have stacks of books on the subject. 

The treasured item you lost and wish you could have again…My hair colour. It was originally reddy brown until I got a flash of grey at the front in my mid-20s. Then it went salt ‘n pepper and now it’s as white as snow.

The unending quest that drives you on…Curiosity. I am constantly wanting to learn about new things. I know curiosity killed the cat, but it keeps me alive. If something grabs my interest, I will then read up on it so I know as much as possible.

The poem that touches your soul…First Fig by the American poet Edna St. Vincent Millay. It only has four lines, but is beautiful: “My candle burns at both ends/It will not last the night/But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends/It gives a lovely light!” I remember reciting it to myself in hospital 15 years ago after the first of my three heart attacks. I had been seriously burning the candle at both ends and I thought I was about to pay the piper.

The misapprehension about yourself you wish you could erase…That I am delicate because of my past health issues. My cardiologist examined me recently and was puzzled. He said: “I don’t know how you do it, but you’re in great health!” I’m 62 now and I’m as tough as old boots. I think health is all about mind over matter. 

The event that altered the course of your life and character…Getting up as Lily Savage for the first time to compère a talent contest at the Elephant and Castle pub in Vauxhall in 1978. It’s a Starbucks now, but it was the roughest pub in London back then. I had no idea what I was going to say, but it just flowed out and people loved it. I was working in Social Services at the time and had no plan for a career on stage. It was done in a moment of madness and was actually the first time I had even spoken into a microphone, but it was a revelation. The next day I had loads of phone calls from other places wanting to book me and my career took off.

The crime you would commit knowing you could get away with it…I would mix up a lethal poison that would kill all the rotten, maniac leaders in the world. I don’t want to mention any names in case I end up with a needle in my foot from an umbrella. 

The song that means most to you…You’ve Gotta Have a Gimmick from the musical Gypsy has followed me like a shadow throughout my career. It was part of my act for years, so I can hardly bear to hear it these days, but I will always have a soft spot for that song because it served me so well.

The way you would spend your fantasy 24 hours, with no travel restrictions…For starters, I wouldn’t go near any airports! I can’t stand them anymore because the security has gone beyond a joke. They even checked my glasses the last time. What did they think I had in them, a laser gun? So I would have the Orient Express re-routed to take me, my partner Andre and a group of friends to Scotland. Our day would begin with a fabulous dinner on the train, then I would sleep like a log because I always sleep well on trains. I’d wake up in Scotland and have breakfast as the beautiful landscape flipped by. We’d fly to the Isle of Skye by helicopter to have lunch at The Three Chimneys restaurant, which is wonderful. I’d have a dozen oysters with brown bread and a bottle of Guinness. In the afternoon, Andre and I would visit three wildlife rescue charities that are very special to me – Sepilok Orangutan Rehabilitation Centre in Borneo, where I’d catch up with an orphan I love called Archie, then Wildlife SOS in India to visit the elephants, and finally one called CROW in South Africa. We would have dinner in Vienna at Hotel Imperial, which is like a stately home. I’d have a glass of red wine and goulash soup followed by some tafelspitz, which is boiled beef with carrots. It sounds disgusting, but is delicious and comes with a horseradish and apple sauce. We’d end the night listening to a jazz band and watching a burlesque show in a seedy underground club in Berlin, drinking the best absinthe whilst surrounded by a bunch of unsavoury characters.

The happiest moment you will cherish forever…Around my 30th birthday were particularly happy times. I had a nice flat in Central London, Lily had taken off and I was enjoying a very sociable, hedonistic time. It was all so much fun and joyful. 

The saddest time that shook your world…The death to my long-term partner and manager Brendan Murphy in 2005 from a brain tumour. I nursed him for six weeks and it was hideous to see him suffer. He was like a brother and a soul mate, so it was a bleak time. I stayed strong for him, and physically had to carry him all the time, as well as keep working, but I exhausted myself and promptly had my second heart attack not long after he died. 

The unfulfilled ambition that continues to haunt you…I always wanted a bright red Lotus Europa Mark II, but there wouldn’t be much point because I can only drive an automatic. I’m also told that they are death traps.

The philosophy that underpins your life…Get on with it is my mantra. There’s no time to be messing around.

The order of service at your funeral…I’d have it at a small historic church on Romney Marsh, Kent. I want to make sure everybody is weeping throughout, so my cortege will be led by the Salvation Army band playing Nearer, my God, to Thee, then Tom Jones will sing St. James Infirmary Blues backed by Jools Holland and his band, and then Mica Paris will sing one of Mahalia Jackson’s gospel funeral songs. To cheer everyone up I would be carried out to a New Orleans jazz band playing When the Saints Go Marching In. I want my glass-topped coffin laid in forest and guarded by seven dwarves day and night!

The way you want to be remembered…As someone who tried to help animals. 

Paul O’Grady was born on 14th June 1955 in Tranmere, Cheshire. He died at home in Kent aged 67 on 28th March 2023. RIP.

Read an extended version of this article at Metro.co.uk:

‘The car that is driving smiles and smiles…’

My Life Through A Lens. Weekend Magazine, Daily Mail

In 2002, writer Rob McGibbon was unexpectedly hit by gout. Years of secret suffering has followed, but here he explains how he turned the agony into a catalyst for positive change…

I have a painful secret: I get gout. 

I will save the pain until later, but first I need to explain why I have kept this god-awful affliction quiet.

The problem with gout is that it makes people snigger. It’s hard to think of another serious condition that encourages such mirth, but it’s true, you get mocked. I vividly remember when this first happened to me, early on in my 16 long years of intermittent hell. I had to interview a celebrity, who should remain nameless – but won’t because it’s so annoying when people say that: it was Nigel Pivaro, Terry Duckworth from Coronation Street. 

I limped into our meeting and naively told the truth about my condition, as my left foot throbbed inside a loosely-laced trainer. He laughed throatily, then lapsed into a pantomime skit of a bonkers, cheeky-puffing old General: “What-ho, Brigadier, have you been attacking that orful port at the club?” I’m all for heartless laddish banter, but I was a touch taken aback.

Nigel was not alone. That same week, I mentioned gout to one or two friends and they all reacted flippantly. As I cancelled golf, a mate started chuckling and cut away from the phone to yell this hilarious breaking news to his wife. Ha ha. It was clear that gout is for lightweights. 

This early reaction made me feel embarrassed, so I decided to keep it private, except for those closest to me. Whenever I have had to venture out with obvious signs – crutches, or a severe limp are a giveaway – I have fudged the reason or reluctantly lied. Michael Barrymore was impressed I got crocked doing the Iron Man and my neighbours must think I’m more injury-prone than Frank Spencer.

To be fair, the jokes from friends have eased, but the disparaging ignorance of others is widespread. My most recent gout attack was last November. I told a friend – 35 and working in the shallows of showbiz – why I was really cancelling dinner. “Gout?” he replied, genuinely challenged. “I thought people got that in Victorian times, or during the plague”. It was time to break cover.

Gout has a PR problem. For starters, it’s such an odd, blunt word that actually sounds silly and light. It might help if it was re-branded to something longer and more medical. Things certainly aren’t helped when newspapers insist on using Henry VIII to illustrate every gout article. It is often described as the “disease of kings”, so mad Henry is our poster boy. Heck, even the current (edition of Tatler has gout in its 32 things that define what you need in 2019 to be upper class. Terribly funny.

The unavoidable reason why gout sufferers are ribbed is its age-old association with port-nosed boozers and gluttonous high living. Mea culpa – I’m pretty certain they’re the main reasons why I suffer, but it isn’t necessarily quite so simplistic. I have had four gout attacks brought on by strenuous exercise, such as football or long bike rides. Here comes the science bit. Concentrate… 

Gout is inflammatory arthritis, the super-max kind with extra wincing on the side. It’s not the achy stuff that makes old folk grumble. It is caused when your blood is over-run with uric acid, which is generated when the body breaks down purines. Purines are a protein that is contained in a sweeping array of foods and certain lines of delicious alcohol – especially beer, red wine, and good ol’ port. 

Uric acid settles around a joint and turns into urate crystals, which creates a gout attack. Trust me, it is horrendous. The big toe is the most famous location, but it also hits knees, elbows, even fingers. Ankles are popular. Gout particularly loves my left one. 

Now for the pain: mine often begins suddenly across the top of a foot and panic sets in as it gradually spreads to the toes. Within five or six hours, the entire foot and ankle is transformed into a hot, bloated, pulsating red sausage of agony. 

Traditionally, the fierce grip of gout finally arrives in the dead of night. My wife will hear me dragging a foot across the floorboards and mutter “Oh, nooo”, but she’s used to it. I was on crutches with gout when I proposed in Paris in 2006. Our celebratory ascent to Sacre-Coeur did wonders for my upper body definition. A year ago I dragged a gouty foot around Athens and a party-heavy New Year trip to New York in 2015 saw me convulsed in discomfort throughout the entire flight home. I thought my foot would explode. I needed the beeping golf cart transfer from the gate at Heathrow. Humiliating.

Forget sleeping with gout. You must lie there as motionless as possible, watching the dawn arrive with a foot dangling off the end of the bed to cool it down. Nothing must touch it. I mostly spend the first two days forcing the foot as often as I dare into a washing up bowl of icy water. It twitches as if hitting an electrical charge. 

I have a set of crutches are on standby and if I’m lucky, this acute phase lasts 48 hours and then I can get around with a limp. All trace is gone within a week-10 days. The trouble is, at the same time you are also hit with flu-like symptoms and fever because your system is all mashed. 

My gout nadir was in 2011 when it holidayed in my left knee. The entire joint ballooned. I couldn’t bend it, or put weight on it, and the slightest wrong movement left me hugging the kitchen island or a bannister, eyes closed, panting through gritted teeth. No pain killer was strong enough. I was on crutches for two weeks and unable to walk comfortably for close to two months. I finally emerged back onto my modest social scene to gushing praise for my leaner, detoxed glow. Gout boot camp. Don’t ever try it.

I have had 24 attacks since 2002, mostly in my ankles. I know all this because I have kept a gout diary – my contribution to “misery lit”. The first doctor to see me in A&E said with certainty that it was “cellulitis”. The next attack came three years later and again there was confusion with the diagnosis. Following five more attacks spread over the next number of years, my GP finally agreed with what I already knew.

A private consultant later explained that I have a genetic pre-disposition to gout that renders my kidneys unable to flush out uric aside fast enough. At times my body is like a cup of tea that cannot absorb any more teaspoons of sugar – except it’s acid. That metaphor cost me £250. Feel free to pass it on.

When you join the gout club, you get a watchlist of foods that have varying levels of purines. It is shockingly long. Red zone: offal, game, oily fish, seafood, yeast. Amber: all meat and poultry, spinach, asparagus, peas, beans, cauliflower, mushrooms, fizzy sweet drinks. It goes on and bloody on. You wonder what’s left. Salad, yoghurt, fruit, pasta, eggs and veg, that’s what. Super. Then it gets to the contraband that really matter, at least to me: beer and wine. And, of course, port, which I hate anyway. Spirits are fine, but I don’t drink those.

It’s all a bit depressing at first. You think you will never demolish a steak with a bottle of claret again, or a seafood platter served over ice in a sunny harbour. And how on earth can you pad up with your mates for a glorious day at Lord’s, the Home of All-Day Drinking. Alarm bells ring in your head just as things are getting merry. Anything north of three pints these days and I start to worry and stop. In the grand schemes of things, this is hardly the greatest burden, but the daft old ways of getting legless now take on a sinister reality, which can be a bore.  

You soon learn to keep out of the red zone of food and alcohol except on rare occasions and staying dry for at least a few days a week is vital. Conversely, being hydrated (buckets of water) is essential. But there are plenty of upsides to all this and, bizarrely, gout has had a positive impact on my health. 

My GP says that I am in decent shape for 53, so I should be OK in later life, when my hard-drinking pals will probably be dropping like addled flies. That said, gout has chewed arthritis into my left ankle, which means I’m unlikely to enjoy golf and tennis in my 80s. I’ll worry about that if I get that far. 

These days, I get one attack a year, two if I’m desperately unlucky, or stupid. I reluctantly started taking the drug Allopurinol in 2010, after finally accepting that lifestyle change was simply not enough. Two little white 100mg pills a day helps neutralise the uric acid, but it is no panacea. I have tried endless supplements to reduce the acid, from sodium bicarbonate, to concentrated cherry juice, cranberries and Vitamin C. These days I just have a nip of apple cider vinegar each morning out of a tequila shot glass.

Medical research on gout seems to be sketchy and largely out of date, but all indicators suggest it is on the rise. Apparently, one in 40 people in the UK get it, mostly men. I find this extraordinary, especially given the amount of inveterate boozers I know, because I have yet to meet a fellow sufferer. Maybe they’re all keeping it secret. Hopefully, they won’t feel the need any longer.

As for the image of gout, I hope it can change. Maybe you can avoid the crass jokes. Simply say: “Ooh, you poor soldier. When you’re up and about let’s have a beer.” That little hope of a better day will ease the pain.

Copyright Rob McGibbon. Please do not use any of the above article or photos without proper permissions. 2019

This is an extended version of my interview published on 17  June 2017

“My unfulfilled ambition? I want to live until I am 120 and then get shot by a jealous husband”

The prized possession you value above all others…I would be lost without my whimsical mind and imagination, so they are incredibly precious. In terms of objects, I love my book collection. I have about 50,000, which includes countless editions on comedy, comedians, clowns and showbusiness. I am a performer at heart and these books feed my mind and soul. We are having an extension built to our house [he shares with his fiancée Anne Jones] in Knotty Ash, outside Liverpool, that will become my library. The books are symbols of my passion for entertainment.

The biggest regret you wish you could amend…I wish I had learnt more about the use of the English language, so I could write coherently like leading authors such as Charles Dickens and Mark Twain. I was very bright when I was a kid and I did well at school, but to write creatively is a great skill. I am a prolific note taker, but that’s about it. I have notebooks going back 20 years and I find it fascinating to read what I was thinking decades ago.

The temptation you wish you could resist…All kinds of sweets, especially Rowntree’s Fruit Pastilles. I always have a family-size packet on the go in the car. I’m up and down the motorway like a yoyo, so I eat far too many sweets. I also love ice cream – vanilla or strawberry.

The book that holds an everlasting resonance…The Coral Island by R.M Ballantyne, which I read when I was about six. It’s about three boys shipwrecked on an island in the South Pacific and it took me off into another world. Like any boy I craved adventure and I wanted to be heroic like those boys. I was lucky because God blessed me with the ability to read from a very young age. I was four when I started consuming books. 

The priority activity if you were the Invisible Man for a day…I’d go to the Office for National Statistics to verify how they work things out. One day they’re saying something is bad for you, then three weeks later they say it’s fine. I never know what to believe.

The pet hate that makes your hackles rise…Bullying driving on the motorways. I do about 30,000 miles a year – it used to be well over 100,000 – and I see some terrible, reckless driving. There’s always some daft Hooray Henry driving too close making you pull over. Motorways should be a safe and speedy way to travel, but some drivers make it dangerous.

The film you can watch time and time again…The Producers with Mel Brooks is beautifully acted and always makes me laugh. Brooks is a truly great humorist and one of the giants of comedy.

The person who has influenced you most…My parents – Arthur and Sarah. My dad was a very funny man who loved variety theatre. He would come home after a show and sing the songs or tell the jokes to me and my brother and sister. He made us laugh so much. My mother was also very special. She always said, “Kenny, I don’t care what you get upto, so long as you wear a clean shirt.” I have never forgotten that – and I always have a clean shirt.

The figure from history for whom you’d most like to buy a pie and a pint…William Shakespeare. His plays are full of poetry and imagery, with words that are like little miracles. He gives such a wonderful insight into the world and the human spirit. I’d ask him if he really wrote them all.

The piece of wisdom you would pass on to a child…Always follow your dream. If you work hard and do everything with enthusiasm, it will come true. The secret of happiness is to plant a seed and watch it grow. Plant the seed of your dream and cultivate it.

The unlikely interest that engages your curiosity…Philosophy. During the past couple of years, I have enjoyed reading the great philosophers. I have been trying to understand what “it” is all about, the meaning of life and such like.

The treasured item you lost and wish you could have again…The ability to swim with confidence. I was terrified of water when I was kid and hated putting my head under water because it was too claustrophobic. I got over it with lessons in the 1980s, but now the fear has come back.

The unending quest that drives you on…To keep breathing and staying alive! I’m 89 now and I want to keep spreading a bit of happiness. My energy is good and I have no intention of slowing down.

The poem that touches your soul…I love the religious quote: ‘However black the clouds may be/In time they’ll pass away/Have faith and trust and you will see/God’s light make bright your day.’ I recited it for my first audition when I was young – before I was a teenager – and I have never forgotten it. I enjoy going to church every week and those words remind me to believe in God, the Lord and creator

The misapprehension about yourself you wish you could erase…I am very grateful that the British people treat me well and I don’t know of any preconceived ideas they may have that are wrong. I am often mistaken for George Clooney and a woman once came up to me and said, “Hello handsome – can you tell me the way to the opticians.” 

The event that altered the course of your life and character…When my dad took all the family to my first show at the Shakespeare Theatre of Varieties in Liverpool when I was seven or eight. I sat there wide-eyed and I knew then that I wanted to be a performer. I was totally inspired.

The crime you would commit knowing you could get away with it…At my age, any thought of crime does not appeal. I might steal a kiss from a pretty girl, but that’s about it.

The song that means most to you…My song Happiness has become my signature tune and means a lot to me. I sing it at every show and I’ve done it thousands of times, but I still love it. I love life and that song is a celebration of being alive and enjoying all the wonderful things that life can bring.

The way you would spend your fantasy 24 hours, with no travel restrictions…I have travelled all over the world in my time, but these days I prefer to be in Britain. East-West, Britain is best is my motto. So I’d be happy having a quiet morning at home. Our house was built in 1782 and I have spent most of my life there, so it’s where I’m happiest. I am a great tea drinker, so I’d have a few cups for breakfast with some Shredded Wheat. I’d then read the paper – Daily Mail, of course! – and try and find something funny to put into my show that night. Later, I’d take my black poodle Rufus for a walk. Britain has some of the most beautiful scenery in the world, so I would probably head somewhere in Yorkshire. Rufus is lively and affectionate and is about the seventh black poodle I have had over the years. I’d have soup – pea or oxtail are my favourites – for lunch, then spend a few hours looking through some rare books in the Bodleian Library at Oxford University. My life is ruled by my gigging diary and I am happy with that, so then I would get ready for a show. I would pack up the machine – a Mercedes – then head for the motorway. There are so many wonderful theatres across Britain, but my favourite venue is always the one I’m performing at that night. I feel blessed because I spend my life around happy people who are out for a night to have fun. I am completely in love with showbusiness, so I will enjoy myself playing a gig.

The happiest moment you will cherish forever…Being made a knight in the Queen’s Honour List this year was a huge moment. It made me feel special and I am grateful to all the people who helped make it happen. Prince William gave it to me. Now I am getting measured up for some armour and I’m getting a horse.

The saddest time that shook your world…Losing my parents was hard. They were absolutely wonderful people who gave me the most fantastic childhood and so much good advice and support. Bereavement is very personal. It was a lonely time in my life, but my faith in God helped me through.

The unfulfilled ambition that continues to haunt you…I want to live until I am 120 and then get shot by a jealous husband.

The philosophy that underpins your life…The man who never made a mistake, never made anything. I tell this to young people who ask me about going into showbusiness. Never be afraid of making mistakes because that is how you learn. It is called experience.

The order of service at your funeral…You definitely won’t get me answering this one. No. No. No. I am to busy living to think of that.

The way you want to be remembered…He gave us happiness and laughter.

Sir Ken was born in Liverpool on 8th November 1927. Following being hospitalised for a chest infection, he died at his home in West London on 11th March 2018. He was 90.

RM says: Interviewing Ken for something as specific as The Definite Article was like trying to herd cats. He zipped around tangentially,  or fenced away sensitive subjects with jokes. But he was fun and a gentleman. He called my mobile on the day it was published some weeks later and left a wonderfully nuts and appreciative voice message. Such manners in showbiz are rare. We spoke later and he invited me to one of his shows. I wish I had gone, but the dates never aligned. What a character, what a legend.

By Rob McGibbon

This is an extended version of my interview published on 27  June 2014

“I want my body laid out in my coffin on a bed of sliced truffles, then carried in by six beautiful women. I then want a big party in the foothills of Mont Blanc, where my ashes will be put into a huge firework rocket and fired into the sky”

The prized possession you value above all others…My home in South West London. I moved in eight years ago and I call it Il Castelluccio – The Little Castle. It’s a 1950s property, not overly big, but it is in a cul de sac so it is very quiet. My garden is full of fruit. I have prunes, pears, quinces, and plums. The house is probably worth over £1m, but I do not care about such things. I live here alone and this is where I find peace and silence. It is my sanctuary.

The biggest regret you wish you could amend…That I no longer have any communication with my ex-wife Priscilla and her children and grandchildren. They were my stepchildren and such a happy part of my life for so long, but something has happened and I cannot explain what. It is hard for me to understand. My philosophy in life is never to hurt anyone, but something has happened and it makes me sad. 

The temptation you wish you could resist…Asking so many questions about everything! I believe that man’s ability for knowledge is infinite, so I am always curious to learn more. But sometimes maybe it is better to not have an answer and to enjoy a bit of mystery.

The book that holds an everlasting resonance…Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy. They are such fascinating books that work on so many levels – for young people, as well as adults. They are incredibly complex and challenging to follow, but I love the fantasy and losing myself in the stories. 

The priority activity if you were the Invisible Man for a day…I would follow a traffic warden around London and cause chaos as he or she gives out tickets. I’d like to find out what goes on inside the head of a traffic warden because it seems to be the most nonsensical occupation. I cannot understand why anyone would want to do it. 

The pet-hate that makes your hackles rise…Ignorant people who have no appreciation of the world or their fellow humans. I have to take a deep breath when I came across ignorance because it makes me so angry.

The film you can watch time and time again…Il Postino is the most beautiful and touching film and it always moves me. The acting is wonderful and the story takes me back to happy times in my childhood in Northern Italy when my father was the local railway stationmaster.

The person who has influenced you most…My mother, Maria. Throughout my childhood she was so full of life. She was tender, but also very strong and always ready to defend her nest of six children. My mother gave me my values and taught me a lot about cooking. She died about 20 years ago and there are only three of us children left now.

The figure from history for whom you’d most like to buy a pie and a pint…The great actor Peter Ustinov. I met him briefly at a party in the 1990s and he was such an interesting, intelligent man with a great sense of humour and he was an incredible mimic. He had an amazing life. I’d love to go back to the early 1950s when he was playing Nero in Quo Vadis [released in 1951]. I loved him in that film. He could speak many languages and I can speak five, so we might have fun chatting in multiple languages.

The piece of wisdom you would pass on to a child…Think big and don’t be disappointed if things don’t go as you plan. Just try again. Everything in life is possible. I came from small beginnings and have fulfilled many dreams.

The unlikely interest that engages your curiosity…One of my great passions is whittling – making walking sticks. I started when I was a boy and I now have about 300 in my collection. I am even a member of the British Stickemakers Guild. I find it relaxing and satisfying to create a beautiful object with my hands and the small old knife I always use. I love the feeling of the wood and I particularly like to work with hazel because it is so straight. Another passion is searching for mushrooms. I go into the woods, with one of my favourite walking sticks, and find the most delicious mushrooms to eat.

The treasured item you lost and wish you could have again…A four-inch high bronze statue of a little girl holding lilies, which was given to me when I was about 18. She was like a little angel and I loved that piece, but it was stolen during a house move about forty years ago. Even though it’s so long ago, I still miss her!

The unending quest that drives you on…To totally understand food, but I think it’s an impossible quest. I also wish I could cook Chinese food. It has the most incredible spices and flavours, but I can’t do it. My friend Ken Hom is pretty good and he has taught me a bit, but I believe it has to be in your blood to do it properly.

The poem that touches your soul…I Love You So Much by the German writer and painter Joachim Ringelnatz. I lived in Vienna for three years in my 20s and I met a girl called Inge there. She was my first true love and that poem reminds me of her. All this time later, I still think of her!

The misapprehension about yourself you wish you could erase…That I am grumpy and aggressive. My face is not entirely sympathetic and some people think I look like a Mafioso! In reality, I am a jolly and gentle person. People often meet me expecting me to be rough and they say they are happily surprised to see that I am friendly.

The event that altered the course of your life and character…The death of my little brother Enrico when he was 13 and I was 23. He drowned in a lake near our home. He got cramps after swimming so soon after eating. It was devastating for all the family. My mother never recovered and, in many ways, I don’t think I have ever got over it either. I ended up leaving home to escape the grief and it has affected me since on so many levels. It made me question the motivations of the Catholic Church, as well as the existence of God, so I have stopped believing in both.

The crime you would commit knowing you could get away with it…I would organise a spectacular robbery of the secret treasures from the Vatican, then give the proceeds to the poor.

The song that means most to you…I Would Like to Kiss You. It’s an old Neapolitan song, which was recorded by Pavarotti, Bocelli and many others, but I remember it from when I was really little and my father Giovanni singing it to my mother. He was an old romantic.

The way you would spend your fantasy 24 hours, with no travel restrictions…My day would begin quietly in my garden listening to the birds. I would have some porridge and coffee then some fruit from my trees. Then I would meet up with my girlfriend Sabine and go on an adventure deep into the Amazon rainforest to meet a tribe that is lost to civilisation. I only hope they are a friendly tribe! Later I would go for a walk in my favourite woodlands in Hampshire to pick mushrooms. I cannot tell you exactly where because mushroom pickers like to keep their best locations secret! Sabine and I would spend the afternoon on a stunning island in the Caribbean. I would soak up the sun and go snorkelling to look at turtles. Lunch would be a big salad with fresh fish and tomatoes dipped in the salt water of the crystal clear sea. Delicious! After lunch I would relax in a hammock with a big Havana cigar, then have an afternoon nap. Then I would go to a small fishing village beside the Back Sea and eat my way through a kilo of Beluga caviar. Then I would watch penguins bringing fish home to their young off the coast of Australia, which is an incredible sight. Sabine and I would watch the sun go down during a safari in Africa, then arrive at a tranquil lake in Kerala in India for a spicy dinner. I don’t drink much alcohol, but I would end this day with a nice malt whisky nightcap.

The happiest moment you will cherish forever…The day in 2009 when I finally awoke from depression. I had been in a dark and difficult place and I had tried to kill myself [Antonio stabbed himself in 2008], but after going into The Priory hospital I slowly got better and the heavy cloud lifted from my life. I am a different person today. I am happy and I know how precious life is. I want to live, not die.

The saddest time that shook your world…Enrico’s death. I was like a father to him and his educator. He was so cheerful and wonderful. He followed me around and we had a really special friendship. I would practise throwing a javelin and he would run after it and bring it back to me. He would be 67 now. Sadly, that awful moment I saw him in the mortuary is an image that will never leave my mind.

The unfulfilled ambition that continues to haunt you…To organise all the photos from my life. I must have more than 10,000 but they are all over the place, in boxes and drawers. I would love to be able to sit down and look at them in the order they were taken. I thought that was something I would do in my retirement but I am 77 now and I have no plans to retire. Maybe it will never be done!

The philosophy that underpins your life…MOF MOF: Minimum of Fuss, Maximum of Flavour. I made that phrase up decades ago when everything in cooking seemed to be so complicated. It has been the mantra for my cooking ever since.

The order of service at your funeral…I won’t have a church service because I have stopped believing in God, but I want my body laid out in my coffin on a bed of sliced truffles, then carried into the crematorium by six beautiful women. I then want a big party in the foothills of Mont Blanc in Italy, where my ashes will be put into a huge firework rocket. During the party, this rocket will explode high in the sky and scatter me across the beautiful countryside.

The way you want to be remembered…As a jolly fellow, who was good to people and enjoyed the simple things in life.

Antonio was born in Salerno, Italy, on 19 April 1937. He died following a fall at his home in West London on 8th November 2017. He was 80.

Antonio was a big-hearted, passionate and sincere man, who inspired so many young chefs, not least Jamie Oliver. 

This is an extended version of my interview published on 26 September 2015, which was conducted in Michael’s study where he wrote at his home in Little Venice on 24th August

“I want to be remembered as a friendly person who was ready to listen. And for never missing a deadline!”

The prized possession you value above all others…The original Paddington bear toy. He is a little teddy bear that I bought for my ex-wife Brenda from Selfridge’s on Christmas Eve in 1956 as a stocking-filler present. He was sitting on a shelf all by himself and I fell in love with him. I called him Paddington and some time later I was looking at him and wondered what would happen if a real bear arrived at Paddington Station. I put a few words down on paper and it caught my fancy. That little bear was an inspiration and he changed my life. I keep him very safe.

The biggest regret you wish you could amend…Not buying a flat in the Montmartre area of Paris that I rented for 35 years. I was offered it about ten years ago, but decided to keep renting. I used to go there for a week every month to write and always loved it because no one bothered me. But last year the daughter of the original owners, who had died, decided to move in.

The temptation you wish you could resist…Ferrero Rocher chocolates. I love the nutty soft centre and I like to have a box on the go when I am writing. I will eat four, then make myself stop. They are very moreish.

The book that holds an everlasting resonance…It’s not a book, but a weekly magazine called I used to read it by torchlight under the bedclothes from aged about nine and it had a big impact on my life. They were such marvellous stories and great characters. It was the first time that I appreciated good story telling and it taught me the power of repetition in writing.

The priority activity if you were the Invisible Man for a day…I would wander around freely listening in on people’s conversations. A piece of snatched conversation can be very good for a story and it has helped me often over the years. But it is never good to be caught eavesdropping, so this way I could relax.

The pet hate that makes your hackles rise…Cold telephone calls in the evening from people trying to sell me something. They are often a foreign voice and they start off by saying, “Good evening, Mr Bond, how are you tonight?” I would be much better if you didn’t call me during my dinner!

The film you can watch time and time again…The Third Man. The screenplay by Graham Greene is excellent and Orson Wells is wonderful. You never know when someone is going to pop out of a window or a manhole. I love the Ferris wheel scene.

The person who has influenced you most…My grandfather, on mother’s side. He came to live with us in Reading when I was a boy after his wife died. He thought very highly of me – more than anybody else! I would wait at the window when he was due home from work and run down the road to meet him as soon as I saw him. He gave me confidence in myself. He drummed into me that you can do anything in life, if you concentrate and do it to the exclusion of anything else. I took his advice when I came to write. I gave up all sorts of things and let it take over.

The figure from history for whom you’d most like to buy a pie and a pint…John Logie Baird, the man who invented the television. I would love to watch a modern day TV set with him and discuss what has happened to his invention. Imagine what he might think.

The piece of wisdom you would pass on to a child…Politeness costs nothing, but it can be worth an awful lot. Politeness has been thrown out the window these days. When I was small, if any elderly people came along my dad and I would move to one side, raise our hats and let them pass. I used to think, Oh good, people will do that when I am old, but they don’t. I have a walking stick, but it feels like I need it more as weapon!

The unlikely interest that engages your curiosity…Bricklaying. Like Winston Churchill, I have always found it to be mentally restorative in times of stress. It is satisfying and sets the mind free.

The treasured item you lost and wish you could have again…A little toy dog my girlfriend Nora gave me when I joined the RAF aged 17. She had made it from wire and fur and I carried it around in my breast pocket for four years. It went everywhere, but one day in Cairo I sent some clothes to the laundry without taking it out and it was gone for good. I was so sad.

The unending quest that drives you on…To keep writing. I will be 90 next January but I still write every day and I hope that Paddington and my other characters will have plenty more adventures.

The poem that touches your soul…I am not very good on poems, but the French National Anthem La Marseillaise always stirs me. I am quite a Francophile at heart.

The misapprehension about yourself you wish you could erase…That writing is easy. People particularly think this of me because the Paddington books are quite short. I actually hone them down from a much longer text and re-write continuously. It is hard work, but immensely satisfying.

The event that altered the course of your life and character…Replying to an advert in the local Reading newspaper when I was 16, which was seeking someone interested in radio. I was keen on building radio sets, so I wrote off and to my amazement I got a reply from the BBC. They were setting up a transmitter in Reading and wanted someone to look after it. I met the man in charge who asked me if I knew what Ohms Law was. I told him and then he said, You have got the job! This eventually led to me working as a senior cameraman for BBC television, a job that I loved.

The crime you would commit knowing you could get away with it…There is always a cost to pay for the smallest crime, so nothing could tempt me. When I was ten I took a half-eaten chocolate bar off the counter of my local shop and ate it. To this day, stealing it has been on my conscience!

The song that means most to you…All or Nothing at All, by Frank Sinatra. Nora bought me a vinyl disc of it because it was our favourite song and I kept it for years. That song reminds me of her.

The way you would spend your fantasy 24 hours, with no travel restrictions…I wouldn’t want an action-packed day with a magic carpet taking me to all different places. At my age, you are happy to go at a slower pace. I would simply board the first Eurostar to Paris with my wife Sue and go straight back to my old flat. My last day there was 4th December 2014, which was one of the saddest days of my life. I miss it dreadfully, but on this day it would be MINE! There would be no emails, no phone calls – and no visitors! I would spend the day reliving my life as I gaze out of the window with its vista over northern Paris. I would be happy going for lunch at my favourite fish restaurant – Le Dôme in Montparnasse. I would have the lobster salad, which his rated the best in the world, followed by tarte fine aux pommes. After that I would be happy to be back in the flat, reading and writing and looking out on Paris.

The happiest moment you will cherish forever…The day my young daughter, Karen, was made better. She was born with a dislocated hip and was in and out of hospitals having operations for her first six years. One surgeon really buggered it up and made it worse. Then a very good surgeon in Oxford put it right and she made a full recovery. It was such a relief.

The saddest time that shook your world…The death of my grandfather when I was 13. He died from a heart attack and it was the first time I had experienced a death in the family. He was a particularly nice person to me.

The unfulfilled ambition that continues to haunt you…To have a lawn with a surface like a billiard table. The previous owner of our home in North London filled in the garden with lots of old bricks. We have lived here for 30 years and it has been a losing battle trying to lay a nice lawn. Bricks and holes always appear, or the foxes dig it up.

The philosophy that underpins your life…Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. In life, it is important to treat people well.

The order of service at your funeral…I will leave the details to my family and do as I have always done – which is to go where I am pointed!

The way you want to be remembered…As a friendly person, who was approachable and ready to listen. And for never missing a deadline!

Michael Bond, born on 13th January 1926, died on 27th June 2017 at home in London following  a short illness. He was 91.

He was a modest, kind and gentle man. He will live on through his wonderful gift to us all: Paddington Bear.

By Rob McGibbon
Published 8 August 2014.  Interview conducted a few weeks earlier

People think I am cleverer than I really am because of the Inspector Morse plots. I know a lot, but I’m definitely not as smart as Morse”

The prized possession you value above all others…

A signed first edition from 1896 of A.E Housman’s A Shropshire Lad – his cycle of 63 poems. I bought it in 1966 for £600 and it is probably worth at least £4,000 now. I started collecting first editions when I was 17 and have about 75 now, but that is the book I’d rescue if the house was burning down. I love his work.

The biggest regret you wish you could amend…

Having four operations on my ears during my 20s to cure deafness. I first started losing my hearing when I was 18, but the operations didn’t help and I wish I hadn’t put any faith in them. They caused me a lot of pain and I’d wake in the mornings with blood on the pillow. My life has been smitten by deafness, which ran in my family, and has caused me a great deal of anxiety. I would sit at dinner parties and tell people, “Don’t worry about me, talk amongst yourselves,” and I’d never hear a word of the conversation. I can only hear now with the help of hearing aids.

The temptation you wish you could resist…

Biscuits – especially Ginger Nuts. I was diagnosed with diabetes in my 40s, so I have had to watch what sweet things I eat ever since. I still find it hard to resist biscuits and I’m always getting told off for eating them by my wife Dorothy [83].

The book that holds an everlasting resonance…

Bleak House by Charles Dickens is the greatest novel in the English language. I have read it three times and its plot and characters always strike me a Masterclass in writing. It really is marvellous.

The priority activity if you were the Invisible Man for a day…

I would be intrigued to see what life is like for the Queen and Prince Phillip when they are in private at Buckingham Palace. I have heard that they enjoyed watching Morse for years – maybe they watch Endeavour now! It would be fun to know.

The pet-hate that makes your hackles rise…

Litter. I’m 84 now and I’m in a wheelchair, but each day Dorothy, or a kind lady who helps us, takes me for a walk along the Banbury Road in Oxford. We always pick up any litter and by the time we get home the bag is full. I find it disgusting how people litter our streets. What are they thinking?

The film you can watch time and time again…

The African Queen starring Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn. It is directly brilliantly by John Huston, but above all I love the interaction between Bogart a Hepburn. It has such tension and chemistry.

The person who has influenced you most…

My brother John. He was 18 months older than me and we were very close. Our family was so hard up that we had to share a bed for 19 years. One night, when I was about 16, he woke me up by playing Beethoven’s 7th Symphony loudly on the wireless. I told him to turn it off, but he had tears rolling down his face. I was intrigued that music could have that much power and began listening. That night, John opened the door to classical music, which has been one of the great joys in my life. Later, he began to teach me about Wagner, who is my favourite composer. Sadly, John died two years ago.

The figure from history for whom you’d most like to buy a pie and a pint…

Richard III. I would love to know what really happened to the Princes in the Tower [Prince Edward and Richard, the sons of Edward IV, were imprisoned in the Tower of London by Richard III and later disappeared. Many suspect they were murdered upon his orders]. I studied the case in my teens and came to the conclusion it was not him, but he would have known what really happened. I’d also like to know where he would want to be buried now that his skeleton has been found. My vote would be for Leicester because he was originally from there!

The piece of wisdom you would pass on to a child…

I’m not sure I have much wisdom to pass on! I loved teaching Classics, Latin and Greek from 1952 to 1966 and I always told my pupils to speak up and ask a question if they didn’t understand something. Asking questions is vital. That’s how you learn.

The unlikely interest that engages your curiosity…

I have been fascinated by Greek mythology all my life and I loved reading Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey. The trouble is I have forgotten much of it now – not least the names of Zeus’ 117 daughters.

The treasured item you lost and wish you could have again…

The ability to follow to The Archers! I loved that programme for 56 years, but I finally gave up soon after the 60th anniversary. I could hear it OK with my hearing aids, but by then I could no longer distinguish between the female characters because they all talk too quickly and sound too similar. I lost the thread as to what was going on. It is such a shame because I really do miss it.

The unending quest that drives you on…

Throughout my writing career I always strived to write the best page I could. If it wasn’t good enough, I’d start again. That still applies today if I am writing a short story, but I don’t do much writing these days.

The poem that touches your soul…

Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard by Thomas Gray from 1751. I learnt it by heart when I was 14 and I still know it well. It is so wonderfully lyrical that it feels like music when you read it. It is beautiful.

The misapprehension about yourself you wish you could erase…

That I am cleverer than I really am! The Inspector Morse plots made people believe that I must be very smart. I do know a lot, but not that much! And I certainly don’t know as much about opera as I could. I’m definitely not as smart as Morse.

The event that altered the course of your life and character…

Getting my first book called Liberal Studies published by in 1964. It was an academic book and I was thrilled when the publisher liked it so much he said they didn’t want to change a comma! The Morse books began with Last Bus to Woodstock in 1975, but that first book put me on the road to my writing career.

The crime you would commit knowing you could get away with it…

I would steal Vermeer’s painting The Milkmaid from the Rijksmuseum museum in Amsterdam. I love the colouration and light in that picture. I have admired it so much over the years that I put a print of it above the fireplace in Morse’s home.

The song that means most to you…

Something by The Beatles. They were the greatest when it came to words and music. It is such a beautiful song and so romantic. It reminds me of my daughter Sally because it was her favourite when she was young.

The way you would spend your fantasy 24 hours, with no travel restrictions…

It would help to enjoy this day if I were a few years younger – so let’s say I am 50! I’d begin with a nice bowl of porridge in a comfortable hotel in the mountains of Austria, with the ringing of bells from pretty churches filling the air. After that, Dorothy – who’s a Welsh girl – and I would go for a brisk walk in the hills of mid-Wales and stop off in Machynlleth for tea. We used to love visiting there in years gone by. Then we would go for a nice drive through Florida to Fort Lauderdale to get some sun. Later, I’d have fish and chips with mushy peas for lunch at The Trout Inn by the river in Oxfordshire, where we’d be joined by Sally and our son Jeremy and his children – Thomas, 24, and James, 22. I used to love a pint of ale and any type of whiskey, but doctors warned me to give up alcohol 15 years ago, or else I wouldn’t live to old age, so I’d just have a glass of Robinsons Lemon Barley Water. After lunch, I’d a paddle in the sea at Skegness for old time’s sake. I loved going there as a boy and I remember the advertising poster said, “Skegness – it’s so bracing!” They should have written “bloody cold” – but we loved it so much. I’d then watch England beat Australia in the final overs of The Ashes series at The Oval. I would finish the day in Germany at the Bayreuth Festival in Bavaria listening to a performance of Die Walküre, which is my favourite opera in Wagner’s Ring Cycle.

The happiest moment you will cherish forever…

When I was given the Freedom of the City of Oxford in 2001. At the time, the only other living recipients were Nelson Mandela and Aung San Suu Kyi. Oxford has meant a great deal to me and this was a wonderful honour. However, I have never exercised my right to drive a flock of sheep or cows across Magdalen Bridge.

The saddest time that shook your world…

When my daughter’s King Charles Cavalier dog died. He was called Mycroft and was very poorly, so I had to call the vet over to the house. I remember it looking at me from the kitchen table as the vet prepared the needle with such deep sadness in his eyes. I have never forgotten that look. I felt like the executioner. I had to hold him as the vet gave the injection and I could hear my daughter, who was 13, weeping in the next room. It was one of the few times in my life that I have really wept.

The unfulfilled ambition that continues to haunt you…

To be World Chess Champion. I was pretty good when I was at school and that was my big dream, but in truth I was never good enough.

The philosophy that underpins your life…

It comes from the Latin phrase initium est dimidium facti, which means “Once you’ve started, you’re halfway there”, or “The beginning is half of the deed”. I have always found that the beginning is the hardest part of anything, but once that is done, I am off and away. The rest is about getting your head down and doing the bloody work.

The order of service at your funeral…

I would be happy with a simple affair without too many tears, as long as they played the hymn O Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go, which is sublime. I do not believe in the Afterlife. I’m with Socrates, who spoke of it as being like a dreamless sleep. I’d rather be burnt than buried and for all I care you can put the ashes in the dustbin.

The way you want to be remembered…

As a good teacher. I got more pleasure from teaching than any other job in my life.

Colin Dexter was a modest, fun and gentle man to interview. He died aged 86  peacefully at home in Oxford on 21 March 2017

Flashback with Mick Hucknall – The Writer’s Cut

Mick Hucknall remembers writing songs with Motown legend Lamont Dozier, 1986…

“That Paul Smith suit was the first time I had anything made for me bespoke. I’ve still got it and I can get into it – just!”

This is me with Lamont Dozier, one of the greatest legends in pop music. He wrote and produced [with Brian and Eddie Holland] some of the biggest hits of the Motown era in the Sixties and way beyond. He worked with The Supremes, Marvin Gaye, The Four Tops and many others and I’ve lost track of how many hits he’s had [14 No.1s in America alone]. I went to his home in Los Angeles in late 1986 for a songwriting session. I was 26 at the time and Simply Red had recently really taken off. Our first album Picture Book was already a hit and Holding Back The Years had gone to No.2 in the UK and No.1 in America a few months earlier. My life had changed dramatically, so it was an incredibly exciting time, but there was also a lot of pressure because the record company wanted a second album as fast as possible.

There was a big rush on, but there wasn’t anyone else in the band who could write to my standard, so the responsibility fell to me. It was a major burden, which was made worse because we were touring the whole time. I have always liked writing at home in my own time, so it was tough to suddenly write on the road, in hotels or on planes, when everything was always so hectic.

My manager thought it was a good idea for me to work with another songwriter to broaden my horizons, so I was put together with Lamont. I have been a Motown fan since I was a kid and I’m an aficionado. I have most of the Early and Mid catalogue on vinyl, so I knew Lamont’s work and he was a big hero. I remember sitting at the piano in his house and having some of his hits flashing through my mind – Baby Love, Stop! In The Name of Love, Going Back To My roots – and thinking, This guy wrote these!

We spent a whole morning just making a lot of noise and banging out tunes on the piano and recording it on a Walkman. There was no singing, or writing of lyrics, it was just us working out some melodies. Lamont is an ideas machine and works fast, like he’s on a production line, and I remember having to respectfully keep reining him in. I would still be trying to get the first part of a song right when he’d be on the chorus, or at the end!

It was a very convivial few hours. Lamont is such a warm, friendly guy and he was quite paternal towards me. A lot of writers from his time got ripped off, so he told me to stay sharp and not allow myself to be exploited. Advice from someone like him was a great help and over the years I became a bit of a Rottweiler to make sure I got what was rightfully mine.

After that session I went away with an ordinary audio cassette and worked out the songs on my own. Eventually I came up with Infidelity and Suffer, which both appeared on the Men and Women album the following year. Lamont was happy with them, although he thought the words to Infidelity were a bit risky – but I was just writing about how things were for me at the time!

We worked together again at his house a couple of years later and wrote two more songs – You’ve Got It and Turn It Up – for Simply Red’s third album, A New Flame. We lost touch after that, but I remember bumping into him at a wedding in the 90s and we talked about writing again together. He’s 73 now and still going strong. What he has achieved is really amazing.

I laugh when I look at this picture because of my double-breasted suit. Simply Red had just done a deal to be kitted out by Paul Smith. We were all measured up at his shop in Covent Garden and Paul made me this one for me in Prince of Wales check with a beautiful red lining. It was the first time I’d ever had anything bespoke, so it was a thrill and I was very proud of it. In fact, I still have that suit and I can still fit into it – just! Interview by Rob McGibbon

The new Simply Red album Big Love is out now and their UK tour begins on 28th November. Visit www.simplyred.com.

Flashback with Stuart Broad – The Writer’s Cut

Stuart Broad remembers hanging out at cricket grounds with his dad, England opening batsman Chris, in 1991

This was taken when I was about five at Trent Bridge – Nottinghamshire Cricket Club’s home ground. Dad was playing for them at the time, two years after ending his England career in 1989. He had done really well with England and had been the Man of the Series when they retained The Ashes in the 1986-87 series in Australia after scoring centuries in three successive test matches.

My Mum and Dad split up when I was three, but they both lived in the Nottingham area and remained on good terms, so I spent most weekends staying with him. That’s when I first became aware Dad was a cricketer – because he had to take me to work! Trent Bridge became like a home from home with the staff looking after me while Dad did his stuff. One of my earliest memories is following him onto the pitch as he went out to bat when I was four. I thought, well if Dad’s playing, I’m going too, and I had to be grabbed by one of the members. Another time, I got way out onto the pitch in the middle of a match and had to be brought back by a fielder.

They were great times for me because I loved being around the cricketers. I went to grounds all over the country, so it was a real eye opener to the lifestyle and it was also inspirational to be in the dressing room. I got to hear all the match talk and the banter and I was allowed to mess around with the kit. I got to try on pads and gloves and play with grown-up bats. I got quite obsessed with cricket and from a young age I insisted on wearing white clothes, even when I was out playing with my mates. It was a nightmare for my Mum when it came to the washing! In this picture I am wearing a proper Nottinghamshire match jumper, which belonged to a batsman called Paul Johnson. His wife had shrunk it in the wash and because he was only 5ft 4in it nearly fitted me, so he gave it to me. That was my first bit of professional kit, so I absolutely loved that jumper!

Generally on match days, I only watched Dad bat for a bit, then I’d go off playing sport with other kids whose dads were in the teams. I remember us often using a large rubbish bin that was taller than me as stumps. And when I was seven I was playing rugby during a match at Bristol – when Dad was playing for Gloucestershire – and I broke my collarbone in a tackle. He was fielding at the time, so someone had to dash out to tell him that I was being rushed to hospital. He came off later to find me with my arm in a sling.

I was very proud of Dad when I was growing up. I used to walk about a yard behind him because it is hard to keep up with an adult’s stride when you’re a kid, so I’d see people do a double-take and say, “Hey, that was Chris Broad!” It was weird hearing people whisper about my Dad, but that’s when I knew he was sort of famous and had been successful. He was always encouraging about me following in his footsteps, but neither him, nor Mum were at all pushy. The key for them was that I had fun with sport and, even to this day, I still treat cricket as my hobby, not as a job. It’s the only way if you want to keep loving the game.

Dad and I are still really close and we live near each other in Nottingham. We enjoy sharing good dinners and nice wine, but we are really competitive, especially at golf. He is now an ICC (International Cricket Council) referee and is really proud of what I am achieving in cricket. All my life I have been called Chris Broad, but it has never bothered me. When I was starting out, kids would come up and ask, “Can I have your autograph, Chris?” and I’d say, “Of course. Do you want me to sign it Chris – or Stuart?!”

The name confusion has been a running joke between me and Dad. He used to tease me by saying, “I will only know that you have made it when I am called Stuart Broad’s dad!” Then, about 18 months ago, he was at a dinner event and he was introduced as “Stuart Broad’s dad”. It gave him a real buzz and he phoned to tell me what had happened. He said, “Well, son, it looks like you have officially made it!”

Stuart Broad is an Investec cricket ambassador. For information about Investec private banking visit investec.co.uk/pb or @InvestecCricket.

What Turns Me On – Arlene Phillips – Uncut

The dance judge and choreographer needs the soothing sounds of Ed Sheeran, the joyful steps of West Side Story, radio plays and the secrets of magic.

TELEVISION

I am obsessed with minimalism, so I tune in to Grand Designs hoping there will be some fantasy home that you can only dream of. I really like Kevin McCloud – he is so bright and easy going – and I love the way the programme is set up. You always think the people are going to run out of money and never get to the end of the project, so there is an element of drama that draws you in and keep you watching. The best ones are when Kevin goes back two years later and the people don’t even like the dream home they spent all that time creating. I always find that quite fascinating. My home in North London is pretty bare. It’s a 1930s house, which I had gutted and re-styled. It wasn’t exactly on a Grand Designs scale, but it was a big enough job. Now, the house is all white walls and simple stone or wood floors, with very little furniture and no clutter. If I had my way I would live in a glass box!

I have been reading Agatha Christie books for as long as I can remember, so Poirot and Miss Marple have been enjoyable evergreens in my TV viewing since they started in the 1980s. They’re wonderful, harmless escapism. I like getting my teeth into a good mystery and I prefer one that is all wrapped up in a couple of hours. I am relieved to see how loyal the shows are to the books. The characterisations are spot on and I love the locations, the homes and the costumes. More recently, I have fallen for Sherlock. How they have taken that old story and knitted it into the modern world, with all its new technology, is quite extraordinary. Benedict Cumberbatch is absolutely brilliant.

THEATRE

Dance has been the constant thread throughout my life. In one way or another it has always been there and led me through the maze. A New York dance company called the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre has been a major inspiration in my career. I first saw them at Sadler’s Wells in 1970 performing Revelations – a series of dance suites about black African slaves. I was 27 at the time and it was such a powerfully moving piece that I left the theatre determined to go to New York and study with them. I saved up and did just that three years later. I used to see them dance regularly at Sadler’s Wells and I was always in the standing area at the back because that was all I could afford. They didn’t perform in London for many years, but I caught them at the London Coliseum two years ago and they are still fantastic.

Earlier this year I saw the perfect play – Shakespeare’s The Winter’s Tale – as a full-length ballet at the Royal Opera House and it was outstanding. I have always wondered how you could ever put a play as wordy as that into dance, with absolutely no dialogue, but it certainly succeeded. Christopher Wheeldon’s choreography was stunning and Ed Watson as Leontes was magnificent. It was the ultimate performance in a dance drama and I could hardly get up out of my seat when it was over.

MUSIC

When it comes to contemporary music, I’m really into Sam Smith. I could listen to his voice all day – it is so beautiful that I get lost in it. Another big favourite is Ed Sheeran. Funnily enough, I first came across him six years ago when I was doing the choreography on the ITV series Britannia High. Ed auditioned in Manchester, but he didn’t make it through because he needed to dance as well as sing. He played guitar and sang and right then I thought, My Goodness, this boy has got a bright future. His lyrics are very clever and I love the way he makes a story about everyday things, like in his song Lego House, which sets off a whole story in my head. It’s amazing what he has achieved, particularly in America, which is so hard to break.

Bizarrely, I generally listen to contemporary music on my computer at my desk because I see it as a part of my work. There’s a reason and a purpose to my listening, so I like to delve further into the words and understand how the music is constructed. When I am just pottering about the house I will have classical music on in the background and Mozart is a big love.

FILM

My favourite film of all-time is West Side Story. It is Romeo and Juliet taken to the limits on modern day streets with racial tensions and clashes. I first saw it when it came out in 1961 and I was blown away. It is still sensational – on stage or as a film – and I never tire of it. You have music by Leonard Bernstein, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim and Jerome Robbins doing the choreography as well as co-directing with Robert Wise. I think Robbins was the guiding light, but you just pay homage to such an incredible team.

The film I have adored recently is The Grand Hotel Budapest. It has an unbelievable cast with the likes of Ralph Fiennes, Bill Murray, Tilda Swinton, Adrien Brody and loads of others. It is a musical and visual feast and so gloriously strange. You wonder what on earth is going on half the time, but I love things that are odd and original. I was carried away by it and I still listen to the soundtrack a lot.

RADIO

I have been an avid fan of Just a Minute! on Radio 4 for as long as I can remember. Nicholas Parsons is extraordinary. To think, he’s 91 [on Oct 10th] and his brilliant brain is still whirring away as sharply as ever. He is such an amazing example for anyone worried about getting old. Paul Merton is wonderfully witty and quick, but I heard Sue Perkins recently and she really bowled me over. I knew she was smart, but, Wow, not that smart! After the show, I often test myself by picking a subject at random, then trying to talk for a minute on it. I sit there, by myself, talking against the clock. If anyone saw me, they’d think I had finally lost the plot!

The other staple radio regulars for me are the Today programme and Woman’s Hour and lately I have become quite fascinated by plays on 4Extra. I switch it on while I am cooking early in the evening and I become engrossed in the stories and these wonderful voices coming from the radio. It is like lighting a deliciously scented candle and letting the balm waft around the kitchen. The only problem is that I frequently don’t stick with it to the end of the play, so I have countless unfinished plays in my head!

ART

My dad was a barber, but his favourite thing to do at weekends was looking at art, so from about seven onwards I went with him to all galleries in Manchester all the time. We used to look at the Lowrys and dad would talk to me about the paintings and what to look for. The other person who taught me a lot about art is Andrew Lloyd Webber. I have known Andrew for years and he introduced me about the Pre-Raphaelites. He has a wonderful collection and his knowledge is incredible. He taught me so much about Burne-Jones and Rossetti and how Jane Morris – the wife of William Morris – became their muse. I have plenty of books on that period. That group of artists is endlessly fascinating – especially when you have someone like Andrew talking about it.

David Hockney has easily been my favourite contemporary artist since I met him in the mid-1970s. Wayne Sleep introduced me to him at a party in London and I was utterly mesmerised by hearing him talk about art. I remember him being excited about some new pens with brushes that he had just brought back from Japan. He was always looking for new ways in which to create his work – and he still is. I have gone to every one of his exhibitions in London since then, including the Blue Guitar series. I particularly loved The Bigger Picture exhibition at the Royal Academy in 2012. Those huge paintings of the woods in Yorkshire through the seasons were stunning. The colours, the leaves, the bare trees, the paths, I found it all so captivating. His energy and the way he keeps adapting is quite amazing.

BOOKS

Throughout my childhood, from as young as eight, I was consumed with books about relationships and families. I would wrap myself up in the characters of Little Women, Anne of Green Gables and Ballet Shoes. It was as if what they went through would begin to live inside me. There was often a lack of harmony in their families and their relationships and I connected with the girls who had ambitions and the courage to find their own way, whether it be to marry, to be an engineer and get educated, or to dance. I was somebody who wanted to fight against the odds to be a dancer.

I have always loved a good autobiography and I’ll consume them rapidly, whether they’re by great actors like David Niven and Steven Berkoff, or the marvellous wartime dancer Gillian Lynne. Currently by my bed is a very odd book called Sleights of Mind by Susana Martinez-Conde and Stephen L. Macknick, who are American neuroscience professors. It is about magicians and it reveals the science of how they trick your mind. I am fascinated by magicians like David Blaine and Dynamo and how they convince you they have made something disappear, even though you know it is not possible. This book explains how the brain works and how the illusionists change it to make you believe what they want you to believe. It is an entertaining book, but it’s also quite educational because it gives wannabe magicians like me a close-up on the secrets of magic.

Arlene Phillips is supporting Quit With Help, a campaign to help smokers stop for good. For a free quit plan visit www.quitwithhelp.co.uk.

How senior executives at The Sun and I were unwittingly taken in by the PR man’s first celebrity stunt

This is a piece written for Huffington Post on 29th April 2014 following Max Clifford’s conviction...

It was good to see Roy Greenslade being a touch magnanimous about Max Clifford in his Guardian blog yesterday. I have been surprised to see certain others chasing the blue light to the radio and TV studios to put the boot in to one they once so openly loved. 

The Professor, for that is he, resisted kicking Max “now he is down” because he happily admits to plenty of dealings with him back in the day. I know that’s true because I was the wide-eyed young journalist Roy sent on a story that became Max’s first front page exclusive. 

It was November 1986 and I was 21. A few weeks earlier I had been sacked from my first job in journalism – on the Wimbledon News – for moonlighting on The Sun. I had little option but to try and make it full time in Fleet Street at an absurdly young age. I managed to get more casual shifts at Wapping. It was an exhilarating, yet supremely stressful time that shredded the nerves on an hourly basis.

Thanks to Kelvin MacKenzie, The Sun newsroom of that era was a wretched place. His driving motto greeted you each day in the form of a large sign on the wall: “DO IT TO THEM BEFORE THEY DO IT TO YOU”. Sadly, a few fellow workers enjoyed doing “it” to others in the office, not just the opposition. 

Somehow, I landed two major scoops in my first few nights – exclusive “reaction” interviews with Boy George and Noel Edmonds on two big news stories ahead of all others on The Street. This prompted News Editor Tom Petrie to remark: “We can’t work out if you are good or lucky. Let’s hope you are both!” 

On newspapers, they like a hack on a roll. They keep you going until you cock up, then they burn you. At least that’s how it worked on The Super Soaraway in the ’80s. Tom put me forward for a “special” the features department had, which is when I met Roy Greenslade for the first time. 

Roy outlined the situation: “An EastEnders star is cheating on his fiancée with her sister…go to this nightlcub and meet a man called Max Clifford…” The “star” was in fact a bit-part actor who was already an ex-EastEnder (Simon Henderson. Eh?) and the club was the Broadway Boulevard in Ealing. All very once-removed, but I recall an excited Martin Dunn coming into Roy’s office to check who was doing the story.

The snapper and I duly waited outside the club later that evening. I remember Max pulling up in his silver Jaguar/Daimler and struggling to park. He kept bumping into other cars. No doubt he had over-estimated the length he had to play with!

Inside an eerily empty nightclub, we saw the ex-EastEnder canoodling with a woman. Max wanted to know my game plan. “Well, I have to ask him straight up why he’s not with his fiancée?” “That’s a bit direct, isn’t it?” he said. “Let me have a chat first.”

Sure enough, a few minutes later I was interviewing the “star” and his girl. There was plenty of giggling and some unexpectedly candid quotes and they even posed up for a photo. At the time, I thought it was all a bit odd. A chat with the nightclub owner didn’t help. “Max is great at getting me publicity,” he sniggered, then handed me a VIP membership card to the club. Showing precocious ligging skills, I gleefully accepted. Sadly, Ealing was never exactly convenient for a lad living in Sydenham.

I duly wrote the story and Roy was delighted. It became a clearly desperate Sunday-for-Monday splash the following week – EASTENDERS STAR CHEATS FIANCEE. By coincidence, my purple patch had continued and I landed the other big story on that front page – another exclusive with Noel (both my stories were subjected to artful by-line banditry by staffers Paul Hooper and Phil Dampier. Bastards!).

Tom Petrie asked me to get a follow up from the fiancée, so I called Max for a steer, then a funny thing happened. “Actually, she’s asked me to look after her story and is happy to chat….I think five grand should do it,” he said. I told Tom, who was momentarily perplexed, then he sighed. “I think Mr Clifford is playing games with us.” Features eventually did the buy-up.

It was such a ridiculously obvious PR game and we all willingly, blindly fell for it. It was only later that Max’s games changed. The money got bigger and the lies got nastier and the newspapers lapped it all up. And I include those “worthier” newspapers that filled acres of newsprint following the stories he peddled.

I didn’t work with Max again. I always saw him at newspaper Christmas parties and then I went along for a general chat at his Bond Street office in 1998 to, as he put it “get something going”. Thankfully, we never did. I took along the cutting from ’86 and we laughed about the story before he signed it: “To Robin, Our first front page!! Those were the days!!” he wrote.

Indeed they were. Such innocent days. Or so it seemed.